First up, here is the business letter.
07/02/2009 (Company's letterhead)
MSTR LIM ZHEN LIANG RYAN
231 BISHAN ST 23
#04-07
SINGAPORE,SG 570231
Dear Policyholder
Renewal Notice
Your policy is due for renewal soon. As you have opted to pay your premium via Giro A/c No. DBS *************, we will be deducting the due premium on 26/02/2009.
Please note that if the deduction date above falls on a Saturday, Sunday or Public Holiday, the deduction will be carried out on a prior working day.
You may also like to note that some bank will impose a fee for each unsuccessful deduction. Therefore, please maintain sufficient fund in your account for the deduction.
Policy No : *********** Plan : ********
Renewal Date :21/02/2009 Premium Amount : *********
Life(ves) Insured PLAN TYPE
MSTR LIM ZHEN LIANG RYAN ********
If you wish to increase your existing insurance coverage or consider a new plan for your family members,please contact your Life Planner, CHEN BAOFEN FIONA at Tel No. *********
Thank you for choosing Great Eastern Life.
Warmest Regards
Khong Bee
Senior vice President & Head
Customer Service
The Great Eastern Life Assurance Company Limited
(other ways of contacting them)
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The simpliest way to critique this letter with the 7c method is by going down the list. So here I go.
1st C: Courtesy
Positive points:
The letter used positive wording and an appropriate tone, when trying to ask me to pay up.
It also used politically correct terms to inform me what the consequences are if I fail to make payment.
2nd C: Correctness
Positive points:
There are no grammatical or punctuational errors as far as I can see. It uses a formal tone to explain what is happen, what is going to happen and who I can contact to gain more information.
3rd C : Conciseness
Positive points:
It was a direct letter which states what is going to be done as well as when it is going to happen. In fact in just a few words, I manage to gather what this letter is about. ( It wants money and fast)
4th C : Clarity
Positive points:
It more or less links to conciseness, as one can easily tell what this letter is about. Its points are put across in short and clear paragraph and leaves little room for misinterpretation. It also shows a pattern which links up each paragraph.
5th C : Coherence and Cohesion
Positive points:
The letters' idea is linked, and proper connectors were used to join to similar points together.
6th C : Concreteness
Positive points:
It used specific words to bring its point across. It gave data on the exact figure as well as how it is going to happen.
7th C : Completeness
Positive points:
It is complete in a sense that its' purpose was to inform that payment was due and what might happen is the payment was late.
There are very few negative with this letter. This could be because it is only the 1st letter the company sent out to me about renewing my agreement with them. In fact, informing me that a third party would fine me, if I did not ensure I have the necessary amount, was a nice and polite way to tell me to place enough money for them to deduct. I believe that if I withheld payment, a second letter would inform me of the multiple opportunities that I would miss out upon. If not, the insurance agent might just pop by and talk to me about it.
I really could not find much negative points in this letter, maybe a few of you guys could point it out to me.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Business Correspondence Critique
Posted by
Ryan Lim
at
9:10 PM
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2 comments:
Hey Ryan,
I think that the reason why this letter is so well written is because it's a form letter - i.e. the letter is pre-written, and the specific details are slotted in automatically using the 'Mail Merge' function in MS Word. The clue here is in the salutation, "Dear Policyholder". I think that writing all the personal details in capital letters is another signature feature of a form letter. You'll notice that all your personal details are presented in a way that could easily have been stored in a MS Excel Spreadsheet...
Even if it was a form letter, I cannot deny that it was extremely well-written. However, I would not really appreciate being referred to as "Policyholder", because it simply emphasises that I have no value to them outside of the business that I give them. :)
I assume that the small 'v' in vice President is a typo on your part. I also notice that you mentioned nothing about a signature at the end of the letter, which again may indicate a computer-generated letter, or at very least show that you are not important enough for a vice President to sign your letter. :)
Thanks for putting this letter up, though. I think that having such a fine example of business correspondence can help us all improve our writing. :)
Regards,
Ben
Hi Ryan!
Firstly, I would like to comment on how organised your analysis of the email was. Doing it point by point made the whole thing very logical and a pleasant read, so well done on that! =)
Moving on to the email itself, the email uses a formal tone throughout, and I think it is good that there was little or no grammatical that I could spot. The email was also straightforward yet informative.
There was a certain portion which made the email a little awkward. Right after the sentence "Therefore, please maintain sufficient fund in your account for the deduction", where they moved straight to disclosing your policy details. It appeared slightly abrupt and incoherent. They could instead carry on by saying "The following is your policy details..".
There was also another portion which said "You may also like to note that some bank will impose a fee for each unsuccessful deduction." but did not provide further information on it, making this statement seem incomplete.
Overall, the email was concise and effective. The appropriate tone was also used and the letter was courteous throughout.
Cheers,
Shu Ting
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